Monday, May 23, 2011

My Bonnie Went Over the Mountain

Mr. Borg, Bonnie and Fala at the FDR Memorial, DC

I went to Catoctin Mountain in Maryland with my best friend, Cissie. We took our dogs, Borg (who would wag his tail the whole time he was getting ready to bite you) and Bonnie (who had no faults whatsoever).

Bonnie, a sweet, sweet dog, spotted a deer and ran to the top of the hill for a better look. I called her, she looked at me, looked at the deer, looked at me, then a moment pregnant with suspense -- and she was off! I was afraid that I would never see her again. Cissie, on the other hand, was very calm, saying, "She'll be back," with that smooth, wise voice she has.

Bonnie did come back.

When she was done.

I don't ever want to forget that day and the way she looked at me just before she disappeared. Having the time of her life. Running through the woods, up and down the hills, chasing a deer. It just doesn't get better than that, does it?

What a wonderful day that was. Cissie and me and our beloved dogs. It just doesn't get better than that, does it?

In loving memory of Bonnie and Mr. Borg.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My Nose

Six weeks ago my dermatologist was freezing parts of my face when she stopped, looked at my nose and said, "What's this?" I didn't know, nor did she, so they rushed in a biopsy team. A little numbing, a little prodding and they've got a sample in nothing flat. It left a little hole in my nose the size of a large pore. Well, at least the kind of large pores my father had on his nose.

It came back as "bad skin" and this Monday I had the whole cancer growth taken out. I thought that they'd probably leave a scar twice as big as the biopsy hole. Wrong. I'd make the sound of an ugly buzzer (like those they use on America's Got Talent) but I don't know how to spell it.

The doctor cut out the cancer leaving a 9mm (about 1/3 of an inch) hole in my nose. About a third of an inch. Gross!

When the lab confirmed that he got it all out it was time for some sewing. I have a 1½" scar (9 stitches) running up my nose right on front!! The nurse took a picture for my chart and I asked to see it. I was afraid of looking at it directly with a mirror. It was gruesome.

I have full confidence that it will heal nicely but for now I feel old, even more unattractive, even  more undesirable. Most men don't go around with an extra hole in their nose.

I do give great thanks to my friends, especially Sarah, who have been so loving and supportive.

The bandage comes off tomorrow.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Blog Name

When I had a crazy, but good, idea to make a blog the first thing to jump up from the road was the demand for a blog name. What the heck? Since it was the first question I knew it was important. It took me a couple days.

If I could get just the right name I would get all the followers I wanted and needed. My first choice: sex death enlightenment was already taken. A great book by Mark Matousek. I just learned that sex death and oysters isn't available, either.

When a baby's on the way the parent(s) comb through multiple books of baby names. For nine months! I only had days and no book.

Geographical wouldn't work. What if I moved? The sadness of my life? Nope, nobody would read it. Too grim. Foreign? La Petite Femme de Paris. Nah. Hasta la Winnebago (Spanish for goodbye, I'm leaving in my Winnebago)? Double nah.

I feel a little queasy with The View From Here because The View is a TV program with a bunch of women. I'm just one guy.

So, what I have I have. I just hope that the Universe comes through and sends me my readers.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

"Good" and "Bad"

There's a lot going on in my life right now much of which I would label "bad" and a little of which I would label "good". But good and bad only exist in my head. If I were to walk in the forest looking for a "bad" tree I probably wouldn't find one.

My mind right now is trying to hold on to this stuff in my life so it can call it bad and keep calling it bad until my head gets to be such a mush.

I'm trying to get my heart to hold on to it, 1) to avoid the name calling, and 2) to let go of it. I'm tired of fighting so I want to surrender; to let go. Instead of listening to a chorus of bad, bad, bad I want to hear a chorus of silence. When the battle ends there is silence. For me, that chorus of silence holds hope. I can't get through this stuff on my own so I look to peace, hope and help.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Old Photos

I busted the screen on my laptop and it's history. Before it goes in the bin I wanted to copy over some pictures and documents. Easy, huh?

Later that same day...

I've come across hundreds and hundreds of photographs. Many I haven't seen in years. Many I thought were gone forever. Many of them were downloaded from "those sites". That means men without clothes. Some of them doing things, some just standing there looking amazing.

Imagine the shock and surprise of someone you've loved drive up into the driveway just as you last saw them.

I found 80+ photos of my last partner, Greg. I believe that I'll never see him again in person. Now he's back through his pictures that I thought were gone. They were from the early years of our relationship, before things got insane. He's so handsome, muscular, blond and with a smile that goes clear across his face.

And there were pictures of men I've known and played with, men who have died.

In spite of the shock and surprise I'm left with feelings. Sadness. Loss. Emptiness.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Adult Content

While making my blog I was surprised by the question, "Adult Content?" 

Of course, there's adult content. I am an adult, aren't I? That aside, I guess I could write without using offensive language, but some will be offended simply because I'm gay. Go figure.

I have a lot of life under my belt and an urge to write and share.

My dog has an appointment at the beauty shop so I'm off.

And this is my first posting to my first Blog. I'm off!